A Little Bit of Resolve
by ccmaja
Summary: Bella and Edward parted four years ago because of a horrible lie created by his female best friend. All these years later, fate brings them to the same city, job and Condo. Neither can get over the past or the lust they still feel for one another.
1. Chapter 2

BPOV

I had walked out of his damn apartment and never looked back. I never called him... though he called me often. He was what I had once considered the love of my life, but now he was just a painful memory. So tell me why I just walked into my new office and saw him standing at reception picking up his mail?

I almost turned around and went home. It's a big ass city, I cold have easily found another job... like being a messenger... or...a retail doughnut distributor... ah hell, I may as well just get on with it. It was years ago. _It was years ago?_

"Good morning, how may I help you?" the nice old woman sitting behind the reception desk asked. I tried not to look in Edwards direction but I failed miserably. He hadn't noticed me... not yet, but in just one second he would hear my name.

"Uh, Yes, I am Isabella Swan, it's my first day of work and I'm supposed to report to Jim." I could see his head pop up quickly but I paid it no attention. I _made_ my eyes stay forward and focus on the woman sitting at the desk as she thumbed through different papers in search of what would confirm my existence here.

I could see him still staring at me from my peripheral vision and in the second I was about to succumb and acknowledge him, the sweet woman named Margie saved me from doing just that.

"Right this way Ms. Swan" I followed her to through the office as she led me to my new boss. I took in the scenic view offered by the glass walls and tried to come to terms with the fact that I was now going to be working with my past... I could hardly wrap my head around it.

Jim turned out to be very welcoming... and funny. He was roughly my fathers age but he seemed far more youthful, all and all he was a great guy.

As he walked me through the different departments he introduced me to the people and helped me get acquainted with everyone and everything. I was just thanking my lucky stars that we hadn't run into _him_ but just as we walked to my new office, I took note to the open door just across from my own. The name on the door? Edward fricking Cullen. Swell.

As if it weren't enough that I had to work in the same god damn building as him, now I had to work directly across from him. I was just about to tuck myself away and get settled, but Jim being the boisterous man he was decided to just invite the S.O.B over to say hello.

"Edward, I want you to meet our newest addition, Ms. Isabella Swan."

"Bella" Edward corrected him. I almost decided to go by my full name just to spite him but decided against it. "It's been too long" he finished.

Jim looked from Edward to myself with question and I went ahead and spelled it out for him. "Edward and I are old acquaintances from college" I saw Edwards face contort into confusion at my words, no doubt baffled at the casual way I made our relationship seem. As if we had met briefly and not dated for three years. I was almost sorry I said it... but then Jim chimed in with the next tidbit.

"Oh! You went to college together? Small world eh? Do you know his, Erin, as well?" It was my turn to feel some pain. I simply nodded and looked at Edward as I spoke.

"I saw her around... but we weren't exactly running in the same crowd. I remember her and Edward being quite close though." Jim seemed to be oblivious to the fact that Erin was an unwelcome topic, because he just kept on rubbing salt in the damn wound.

"Well those two are still like peanut butter and jelly, I'm sure you will get better acquainted with her now seeing as she is in here all the time to visit our, Edward. Make nice with her, Bella... she makes a peanut butter bar that is to die for!"

I almost threw up on Jim's expensive loafers just to spite the son of a bitch. Edward must have seen me ready to do just that because he excused himself and retired to his office.

I had never been more pleased to see walls and a window in all my twenty four years of life. As soon as I was alone, I sat at my chair, turned it to face the window and took in the city view. It was a beautiful view... but at this moment all I could see was that wretched memory of finding that conniving little bitch in bed with Edward... and then her crying tears of happiness as she told him she was pregnant.

"Bella?" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I turned my chair to face my own living nightmare standing at my desk with an apologetic expression. I didn't say anything to him and instead simply waited for him to say what it was he wanted to say. "I am so sorry about that... about... well about everything."

Everything. He was sorry about everything. Well so was I, and the longer he stayed in front of me apologizing, the more I wanted to tell him to fuck off. I didn't though, instead I found myself being nice.

"It's fine, don't apologize for having a..." _having a what? A wife? Girlfriend?_ I was shocked by how much pain I felt about thinking of Erin the Cunt as Mrs. Edward Cullen. She must have been though... if they were still together after four years... and had... had a child.

"Bella I can tell this hurts you" I stopped him there, I wasn't about to play the victim.

"You don't know _anything_, Edward."

I kept myself hidden for the rest of the day, especially when around noon a voice that could get me to dig may nails through cement came floating across the hall. I didn't think I would be able to maintain my cool if she and I came face to face at that moment so I turned on a playlist, walked to my door and slammed the damn thing shut just as she was asking Edward for a kiss.

I decided then and there that I would start bringing my lunch in so that I wouldn't have to run the risk of seeing them as I went to the break room. I had a feeling I was going to be the most productive employee here in no time at all.

When I left for home that evening, I was grateful that the office across from my own was empty and dark. I thanked whatever cosmic forces that allowed me this one reprieve and soundly made my way to the car garage.

However when I arrived at my building and walked through the lobby to the elevators, my cosmic luck ran out and I walked into a lift with no one other than... you guessed it, Edward frickin Cullen. Super.

I didn't bother hiding my feelings this time either. "And the hits just keep on coming" I bit out. He was about to say something but I needed to hear conformation of this entirely fucked up situation myself. "Please tell me you are just visiting someone... please"

One look at his face told me that all the wishing in the world wouldn't changed the fact that he indeed lived in the same building as me.

"Super" I sighed.

"Hey! I lived here first! It's not like I set out this elaborate plan to work and live near you!" he was annoyed with me. And _that_ pissed _me_ off.

"Like I would set out to do this either? Right, Edward! I was sitting around my condo one day in L.A and thought, _Hey I know, I'll hunt down Edward Cullen and move into the same building, get on at the same job and __**torture **__myself with hearing about him and the woman he fell into bed with after three years of datingvme!_ Yeah, Edward, that sounds about right doesn't it? Fuck off!"

My cosmic forces were back at work, because just then my floor opened up and I exited the lift right on cue.

As I made my way though the door and tossed my things aside I realized that I actually felt just a little bit better. I felt _some_ sense of relief, but that was quickly watered down by my embarrassment. I had acknowledged him... and I didn't want to. I had swore the day that I left his home that he would never know how much that whole incident killed me. I vowed to not be angry or bitter, but as I sat on my couch in the empty room I was in, that was exactly what I felt like.

The reality of the situation hit me like a brick wall. It had been _four years_... he was living a life with that woman and they were a family. He had four years of memories and experiences... all I had was my anger and bitterness. I hadn't been in a relationship for over two years now, I had trust issues. I had a _lot_ of issues.

Suddenly the empty room felt very appropriate. It was cold, empty and hollow. Everything echoed off the walls... just as every emotion I felt echoed off my heart. For the first time in a long time, I let myself cry.

EPOV

I stood outside her door with my ear pressed to it as if doing so would somehow make me closer to her. I couldn't believe she had walked back into my life again after all these years. Every feeling I ever had for her that lay dormant in my heart had come back to me with a force greater than I had ever known.

I wasn't a happy man in my life, I hadn't been for many years. There was no baby, there never was. Erin had confessed to me a month after she had come barging into my apartment saying she had been, she confessed that it was all a lie.


	2. Chapter 3

Edwards recollection of what happened 4 years ago...brief, but hits the highlights!

It's cool we can still be friends; Bright eyes.

EPOV (Four years ago)

I still kiss her sometimes, but it's just on the cheek, she pulls away from me so easily and it hurts but if it is all that I get, I will take it...

I still call her still... but most of the time I get her voice mail or the house machine. If I am lucky though, her roommate will answer to tell me she is at the bar or out with James.

I took her to dinner last week... but she wouldn't hold my hand. We even sat at our old table... but she didn't play with my feet. Yeah we still go to dinner sometimes but we don't sneak a kiss when the waitress turns around. Yeah we still go to dinner sometimes... but it is all wrong... everything is wrong.

Erin is everything wrong with my life right now. I was a weak bastard one night when Bella was out of town... Erin happened. And as they say, the rest is history.

I poured myself a glass of whiskey and began the road to perdition. I simply wanted to forget... I didn't want to feel anymore. I still had a hard time wrapping my head around all that had happened in the last month.

I couldn't believe I had done it... I didn't even remember a single second of it. I only remember waking in the morning to the sound of Bella's sobbing that echoed through my room... _our_ room. I had sat up in a fit to get to her but there was a warm naked body thrown over my own. It was the beginning of the end.

Erin wasn't a stranger in the least, she was what I would consider a close friend... a confidant of sorts. Bella didn't like her... never had. She said that Erin looked at me as if I were her prey. She said that it made her uncomfortable that she and I were getting closer.

I had thought it a ridiculous jealousy... because Bella was the only woman I had ever wanted. I could see though where Bella had been worried, or at least why. Erin wasn't ugly... she was rather pretty actually... if you liked the tall, thin, blond type. But I preferred brunettes.

All that didn't matter though, because what did matter was that Bella had found me naked and in bed with her... and I had no explanation as to why.

I had gone after her immediately, even though I had to practically claw Erin off of my body to do so. She had nowhere else to go and she refused to be at our apartment... I couldn't blame her. So I spent the worst day of my life at the park with Bella and watched as she cried... as she sobbed for what I had done and for how I had hurt her.

She let me drive her to her friends apartment... because she would not come home. She said that even if she did, she had nowhere to sleep... because with my "lack of memory" and her knowledge of what she saw in the morning, she didn't want to chance being on or near an area that I had been with Erin.

I'm trying though, I refuse to give up... I can't give up. Tonight Bella came over to watch a movie, but we didn't share the couch. Yeah we watched a movie... but she didn't lay in my lap, and when the plot was slow she took a nap, but not with me. She is still asleep on the couch, because I refused to wake her. It's because I don't want to... I don't want her to go. So now she even stay's over... but now we stay in our clothes.

As I sat with my whiskey there was a soft knock at the door. In an attempt to keep my love asleep and here, I rushed to the door to answer it. I wished I hadn't though, because outside of my door was the end of my life with Isabella Marie Swan.

Erin came into my apartment with a joy so great that I couldn't comprehend her words. She was smiling and sniffling what seemed to be tears of joy. I was about to tell her to get the hell out but then she stopped all words, thoughts and actions when she said three words..._ I am pregnant._

I was still wrapping my head around that but before I could react or say anything... Isabella had her bag slung around her shoulder and without a word to either Erin or myself she walked out of my apartment and out of my life... forever.


	3. Chapter 4

BPOV

I kept my distance when I returned to work. I had done all that I had said I was going to do, I laid low, brought my lunch in and left at least a half hour before or after Edward every single day.

Every now and then he would come to my office and try to strike up a conversation by asking about old mutual friends or telling me about how his family was doing. I never gave him my full attention though, and instead of looking directly at him, I would begin responding to email as he carried on in hopes to coax me into conversation.

I wasn't trying to be a cold bitch, really I wasn't. I was in self preservation mode and the key to doing that was to not open myself up for the hurt that I was sure would accompany me if I let my guard down.

One mid afternoon I was sitting at my desk working furiously toward deadline when A small boy standing in the doorway of my office caught my eye. The second I turned my full attention to him, my heart about fell out of my chest and tears welled up in my eyes at the sight of him.

He had a smile that could light up the world... he had Edward's smile. I tried speaking, but just the feat of breathing was proving too much to bare. The little boy with copper dust hair spared me and broke the silence.

"Hi! Do woo hab candy?" His little face was anxious as if it were the most important question he would ever ask. I found myself digging through drawers and coming up empty just before I remembered the kitkat sitting in my purse. With a victorious sigh I handed him the candy bar, glad that I could give it to him.

Deep down it hurt to see him, but I realized upon seeing him that even though his mother was like school in summertime to me, he was indeed innocent and wasn't anything but a beautiful person who had come from an ugly situation.

I was about to ask his name and had just knelled down to speak when another familiar face came rounding my corner. It was Emmett.

"E.J! There you are! You can't run away from me like that, okay buddy?" The little one who's name I now knew to be E.J dropped his head and nodded his understanding.

"Sowy dad"

_Dad? But he looked so much like Edward... I could have sworn..._

"He looks a lot like me, doesn't he?" I turned my attention to the doorway and saw Edward leaning there with an unreadable emotion.

"Bella? Bella Swan! How the hell are you?"

I was off my feet and in Emmett's arms as he hugged me like a bear in a vice grip. I would normally have teased him that he was suffocating me, but I couldn't seem to find the will to do so this time. Instead I held him right back and found comfort in the familiar warmth of the man that should have been my brother by now.

"You're here now? When did you arrive in Chicago? Does this mean...?" I watched as he turned his hopeful gaze to Edward and he finished his trailed thought "You're done with airhead! Finally came to your senses?"

I watched Edwards eyes go wide and flustered as he gaped at his brother. I on the other hand snorted and rolled my eyes before explaining myself.

"It's just a coincidence, Em. I was headhunted by this firm when I was in L.A, I needed a change of scenery and now here I am."

That was just the cliff notes but they didn't need to know the whole sorted story right now.

"Well I'll be damned" He breathed out as he smiled at me. I was about to ask more questions but before I could, Jim came in needing my help so I said my goodbye and made my way to the bosses office.

When I returned, the hall was empty and so was my office. I felt a pang of sadness as I walked into the quiet space, but when I sat down at my desk, there atop the papers was a kit kat bar with my name written neatly on a post it. I knew that hand writing very well, it was Edwards.

I wasn't sure if it was the one I had give E.J, but before I could get up to go ask him, his voice came through the room. "I know how much you enjoy your three o'clock sugar rush... I didn't want you crash because E.J weaseled your candy away"

I didn't know what to say, I was still swimming in a sea of emotions that seeing that little boy had stirred in me. At least I knew what to expect when _his_ child really did come in the office.

"Thank you" I was about to turn on some music and reply to emails in effort to get him to go, but he was faster.

"I really am glad you're here, Bella. I cannot tell you how many hours and minutes of everyday I have thought about you... how long I have been aching to know if you were at least happy."

I had noting of substance to say, there wasn't anything that would erase the past. Instead though, I found myself asking a question that had haunted me for four years.

"Do you have a son or a daughter? Did you two have anymore?" I let myself look him in the eye for the first time then. I needed to see the light in his eyes as he spoke of the child that had brought he and Erin closer... and both he and I apart.

I didn't see that though. Instead he looked at me as if I had spoken a different language. With his eyebrows drawn together, he replied with a broken voice.

"What? You... We... You don't know?" He sounded as if he were on the verge of tears, as if I had shattered his world by asking that simple question.

"How would I know, Edward? I left... I... I didn't ever ask anyone." I was just as lost as he was now, I couldn't comprehend the tortured expression he was wearing.

I watched him stand to leave, but just as I thought he would walk out of my door, he closed it and sat back down instead.

"There was no baby, Isabella... Erin, she... it was a lie."

_There was no baby... she had lied? But I had seen them together..._

"What are you talking about, Edward? What are you saying?" My voice had lost confidence and instead sounded as weak as I felt.

"She lied, Isabella... she admitted it a month later when she couldn't explain not wanting to see a doctor..."

I couldn't believe my ears, I couldn't understand the words coming out of his mouth. It made no sense... there had been no baby?

"I still do not know the full truth, Bella. She claims we slept together, but... but I don't even... I don't think..."

"Stop it." I cut him off, I didn't want to relive it and I sure as hell didn't want to think about it.

Uncontrollable tears fell from my face as I comprehended what he was saying to me. Even as I let myself process, I couldn't understand how I had never known. How could he have never come for me? He didn't want me, even after the truth had come out.

"You didn't want me" I whispered out as the reality washed over me.

"Bella I couldn't find you! I couldn't get anyone to tell me anything! I went as far as begging your father and explaining the situation, but he wouldn't disclose where you had gone..."

"He never told me..." I breathed out. I couldn't believe my father had let me hurt... I cried to him every other day on the phone... but he never even mentioned that Edward had come by...

"Bella, please talk to me... please"

I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to feel. I was about to lay everything out on the table, but a sudden memory of my first day came to me and I remembered that he was _still_ with her.

"You never left her did you?"

He stared at me with absolute shock, as if he didn't think I would ask such a question.

"It's complicated, Bella... It... things aren't what they look like."

"I'm sure I can keep up, Edward."

He sank into the seat across my desk and shook his head as if trying to find where to start.

"I hated her... she was... just... I hated her." He looked up into my eyes to finish the statement before continuing. "Erin was...repentant, extraordinarily so and begged for me to forgive her." I rolled my eyes at that part but he continued on as if I hadn't.

"My mother told me to grant her that forgiveness, that I would be better off doing that instead of carrying the grudge." I normally adored Esme and all her sound advice, but in this instance, I wished she would have just butted out.

"I ran into Erin again about a year ago. She was new to the city and didn't know anybody or anything about being out of Seattle. I... we... we caught up with each other and well..."

"Now you two are peanut butter and jelly, got it."

I was sick to my stomach though, because even after everything that had happened... after all that he and I had lost, she found a way into his arms once more. I truly hated her now... she was target number one on my list again.

"Well that's great, Edward, really it is. Please, tell me more about how your life is with that fucking, little..."

"It's not great, Bella. It's horrible... I..." He ran his hands though his hair roughly then stood and stalked around to my side of the desk and pulled me into his arms.

I wanted to kick him or bite him or... something, but instead of doing either, I found myself kissing him with a hunger I forgot I could posses. The need to lay a claim on him was burning through me and suddenly my only desire was to fuck him senseless and send him home to her so he could see exactly what the hell he was missing.

As if he read my mind, his hands pulled at my dress and dragged it over my hips and palmed my center.

"Spread your thighs, Bella." When I didn't react right away he grabbed my leg and did it for me, resting it comfortably on the arm rest of the chair. I felt his finger gently running over the silk of my panties and then tracing the corners with his fingers. I pushed my hips forward in an attempt to coax him into dipping them under the silk.

He laced his left hand through my hair and rewarded my efforts with a finger gliding over my bare lips as he whispered low and soft in my ear. "Keep your legs open to me, Bella... your gonna want to close them, but don't." Just then he slid my panties off and inserted one finger inside me and the feeling made me unsteady on my feet. It had been so long since I was touched there by anything or anyone and it made the pleasure that much more intense. I gasped when I felt him gently push me back on the desk and rub thoroughly at my breast.

I felt wanton and greedy for more and pushed my chest harder into his palm while I thrust my hips against his finger to get more friction to the aching between my wet thighs.

"Do you want more?" he asked in a husky whisper. I couldn't form a coherent sentence and all I could respond with was opening my legs wider... inviting him to do anything he pleased as long as he kept bringing me closer to the edge.

"Answer me Bella. Do you want more?" When I didn't answer him again he pulled his finger from me and I whimpered at the loss.

I opened my eyes to see him with a pained expression but before I could worry that he was regretting this, he brought his hand back to my center and began rubbing perfect circles against my tender nub. "I wont do that again, baby... I'm sorry." He bent down and kissed my lips gently and then bit my bottom lip slowly as he entered two fingers this time and continued working his thumb with circles still.

The urge to moan was growing and growing. I could see my reflection in the glass of the window when I arched my back and pushed deeper toward release. The image that reflected back at me would forever be with me, I knew for certain that when this was over, I would bring myself to come with just this memory alone. The sight of me laying over my desk with my skirt around my hips and my breasts exposed from the cups while Edwards gaze and fingers were on my sex was the most exotic thing I had ever seen.

I knew it was wrong and that I was acting no better than his little cunt had, but I refused to let that stop me from getting mine. If anything it made this moment that much better, because it was wrong... forbidden and happening in a full office building packed with people moving up and down the halls behind my door.

I closed my eyes and relished the moment, relished the feel of my building orgasm that was sure to erupt from my body and over his fingers that were rubbing inside me at this very moment.

"That's a good girl, Bella. I can feel you getting wetter, baby..."

My eyes were lazy with lust and my lips were parted as I gently panted at his words. I was at the verge of coming but just as the coil in my stomach tightened, _her_ voice came across the hall near my office.

"Have you seen, Edward?" I heard her ask. I probably should have felt bad that she couldn't find him because he was rubbing my clit and sucking my nipples at the moment, but I didn't. In fact I became frenzied to have him, all of him, because I wanted the thrill... the justice and the pleasure of her being just outside the door while I did it.

I was having these thoughts and all the while Edward kept on as if he hadn't heard her out there when I knew he did. He moved his lips to my bare core to replace his thumb as once more her shrill voice sounded closer at my door.

"Jim! Have you by chance seen, Edward? I thought I would surprise him for lunch today but I can't seem to find him. Is he out of the office?"

At the sound of her annoying voice, I sat up and Edward reluctantly pulled his lips from my wet center with lust filled eyes. "Fuck her! I don't care! I don't want to stop baby"

I said nothing in response to those words, but instead gently pushed him back to sit in the chair as I unbuckled his pants.

I had to bite my lip to keep from groaning in pleasure at the sight of his thick, large and hard member as he sprang free and ready for me. I couldn't help leaning down with a smile to lick him once before I settled my legs between the space in the arm rests and brought my wetness within inches of his length.

As Erin continued to talk outside of my door, in search of Edward, I rested my elbows on his shoulders and dug my hands into his hair as I whispered into his ear, "I want to ride you... hard." He gently brought his lips to my own then and sucked and nipped at my them before answering.

"Bella, I need to be inside you... sit one me and let me feel you again." I couldn't help but tease him as he did me earlier, so instead of obliging his request like the both of us so desperately wanted, I instead rubbed my aching center back and forth against his hard member and was pleased to feel the relief it was bringing me.

"Please, Bella... I need you"

I didn't listen though, instead I used my feet to push up from the floor to get more leverage and a better friction. I could feel his shaft becoming slick with my juices as I worked myself against him, straining for relief.

His palms grabbed hold of my ass and he growled anxiously into the air between us, "I'm going to press you down on me, Bella. And then I'm going to work your hips over me until we both come."

Just as I could perceive his length at my entrance, there was a knock at my door accompanied by the sound of Erin's ridiculous voice. "Excuse me? Anyone in there?"

Is it bad that I smiled with spite as I lowered myself onto what was now _her _man? Yeah, it probably was, but not nearly as bad as it was to begin rocking my hips against him as she waited outside my door for me to answer.


	4. Chapter 5

"It's not a dream" he whimpered into my ear. The only noise mattering to me were the panting and breathless words being whispered to me. The only movements mattering in my world were the thrusting of his hips as he moved with determination to meet my own.

It was all so easy... we fit, we had always fit, until...

Faster than I cold comprehend; I was off his lap and breathing deeply in attempt to catch my breath. I focused only on snatching my underwear from the floor and scrambling them up my thighs.

"Bella what? why?"

"Fix yourself" I demanded without a look in his direction.

Now that the moment had been extinguished and I could once again think like a sane person, the irritating voice from that irritating woman was back in my ears. She continued to knock but this time she stopped short when Jim's voice cut in along side her.

"Oh you know what? I completely forgot that an old acquaintance of Edwards just started a while ago, he may be at lunch with her"

Silence was met with his statement and when I looked back to Edward, he was once again looking proper but his stare remained solely on me, he didn't even look in the least bit concerned with what wait for us outside that door.

"Who is the acquaintance?" I heard Erin ask. Although from the somber tone in her voice, I could tell she had constructed a pretty good idea. I saw this moment as one I would like to have as my own, so before I could talk myself out of it or be an even semi good person, I walked to the door and flung it open to come face to face with Erin the cunt.

"Can I help you?" I asked in the sweetest tone I could muster. My reward? Well that had to be the look of absolute shock and fear plastered on her face at that very moment.

I stood there with what I could only imagine was a very entertaining appearance. I was more than likely flushed with swollen lips and just a touch of wild hair, but that probably had nothing on the fact that aside from my appearance, Edward was sitting in the chair behind me.

I watched Erin pick up her jaw, look over my shoulder to Edward and then back to my appearance once more.

"Mystery solved!" Jim rejoiced. He was positively ignorant to what was happening in this moment and with a cheerful farewell he walked down the hall and back to his office.

"Edward, your office... _now!"_ I grinned at the sound of her voice this time, because... well... let's face it, I knew how bad this was looking... and I couldn't have cared less.

"How nice to see you again, Erin... especially after all these years and under these special circumstances" She gawked at me with shock first then anger. I giggled aloud at that and took a look over my shoulder to see Edward with his head in his hands.

"Edward? I said we need to talk" she bit out over my shoulder. That seemed to snap him into reality for a moment and just as he approached the door he stopped, turned to me and shocked the hell out of both of us.

"I need to finish my discussion with Bella before I can speak with you,Erin. Why don't you go in my office and wait"

Erin looked as if she were ready to spit nails at that remark. "No! We _need to talk now!_ Do not make me wait..."

He never took his eyes off me though, and from the intense gaze I was receiving, I was finding it hard to be annoyed.

"If you would rather save this conversation for later, Erin, than that is fine with me. Either way, you will need to wait regardless."

For the length of two heartbeats she stood there but then turned on her heels to walk down the hall in all her anger and what I hoped... fear.

I should of felt bad, but then I remembered that she hadn't bothered to even feign remorse when I walked in and found she and Edward naked together.

And with that thought firmly in place, I made my way to my desk and began gathering my things. I needed to get the hell out of here. I needed to be alone.

I heard the door shut once more and could feel his stare on me as I shut down my computer and rummaged through my drawers for my belongings.

"Bella" I didn't answer. "Bella, talk to me... please." Still I said nothing, I couldn't. What would I say exactly? "_Oh gee, sorry about that attack on your glorious penis earlier, I couldn't help myself after all these years." _As if he could read my inner thoughts he began talking.

"I'm not sorry, baby... not one single part of me regrets it. I only wish we hadn't stopped..." He truly didn't sound sorry for it... I looked up then and saw him... really saw him. Edward was a man now... not a twenty year old kid fresh out of his teens. He was a man and professional... and he was everything I had ever wanted. Even after all these years, he was perfection to me.

Suddenly I felt a bit stupid. I had acted on anger... on the need for retaliation. No matter what justice I felt I would get from that act, it didn't make it right. It was wrong, I had been wrong.

"Why are you with _her_?" I couldn't understand it. I honestly didn't comprehend why he would consciously and willingly want her. After everything... after the end... "Why _her?" _It was the _only_ question I had, it was the only thing I _wanted_ to know.

I watched him shake his head unknowingly and think seriously about his answer. When a few moments had passed, he answered. "She isn't the same person you remember, Bella, none of us are." I stared at him with my own shock now, but in all honesty hadn't just been thinking the same thing? … well about Edward at least.

"So you mean to tell me that she apologized, moved away and is a better person now?" I couldn't quite help the sarcasm that laced my tone at that remark, but hey... I'm not perfect.

"I'm saying that people change, Bella. We grow, we learn, we... move on" _We move on? _That one stung.

"So you moved on then." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"Not in the way you think, Bella..."

"What other way is there, Edward?" I had tears building in my eyes as I said it. I didn't want to feel this way again, I didn't want to be jealous all over again because Erin once more trumped me in the way of Edward Cullen. It was too much... this had run it's course and now I needed to take a page from Edward... it was time to move on.

"Well for what it's worth, Edward... I am glad that now I can close this issue. Go be with the new and improved Erin, go be happy... but do me a favor?" He didn't answer me, instead he looked at me as if I were out of my mind, but that didn't stop me from finishing my sentence. "Let me do the same... just... just leave me alone from now on, don't talk to me, don't ask about me... just... pretend _I_ never happened." I made my way to leave, but he caught me by my arm and kept me from the door.

"Damn it, Bella! Will you just let me finish? For once, will you let me say what I need to say?" I was dumbfounded. What the hell did he mean _for once? _Apparently I said those very words aloud because he was explaining with fervor.

"You _always_ do this! This is classic, Bella Swan! Rush to a conclusion and see it through... god forbid you let somebody tell their side of the tale, all there is in _your_ eyes are _your_ words... _your_ thoughts, _your _feelings"

"How dare you!" I yelled back at him. After everything he had done, after everything he had put me through... and now he was going to turn this around on me?

"How dare I what, Bella? How dare I have the audacity to tell you the truth? Tell me Bella? When have I ever lied to you? Tell me!"

I stuttered over words in an attempt to find a situation, but I was coming up with blanks, but I would be damned if I admitted that to him. "You've lied plenty of times!"

"Name one! Just _one! _And I swear to god, Bella, if you can do that, then I will do as you have asked, I will leave you alone, I will pretend you never happened... but I _know _that you cannot do that."

The anger that had been building had died down and now resulted in the salty tears washing down my cheeks at this very moment. I could see how it pained him to watch them fall, but with whatever strength and anger he held onto, he finished his lecture.

I was wrong to not take seriously your concerns about, Erin, while we were in College. I wish to god I would have, but I didn't and there isn't a thing I can do about that now. I forgave her, she went her way, I went mine... which by the way was spent searching for you! When I came up empty Bella, and I had nothing but pain and emptiness inside of me after a year long attempt to find you, I decided that maybe it was best I let you go... I had done more than enough to hurt you at that point and I hoped still that you had found someone... found a new beginning and had put the past behind you."

My tears fell with a vengeance like none I had ever felt, but still I couldn't find my voice... couldn't find an argument.

"What she did four years ago was wrong... the worst kind of wrong. I know that... _she _knows that, hell Bella... we all know that. I didn't run into her a year ago with hopes of having a relationship with her, I didn't speak with her at a mutual friends house so that we could see if there was any kind of relationship to have. I made small talk with someone I had at one time considered one of my closest friends... the rest came after... _long_ after I had made peace with something that was done years before."

He took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair to collect his feelings, I however stayed silent and cried while I processed his words.

"I know you don't like, Erin. I know that you feel betrayed... I... I get that feeling, more than you know, and I wouldn't wish that feeling on _anyone_, not even my worst enemy and especially not to you."

"I have to go" I couldn't take a second more of this conversation, I couldn't comprehend why I was feeling bad... why I was suddenly made to be the bad guy. I wasn't the guilty one.

Without turning to stop me this time, he said one final thing before I left the office. "I haven't seen you in four years... and still I am ready to turn my entire life upside down, to throw Erin out of my life for good... if you told me right now that you want me too."

I'm not sure if it was my pride or my hurt that kept me from telling the truth, but either way a lie slipped through my lips, "You might be able to forgive and forget, but I cannot, she took far too much from me. I don't want you." I didn't linger a second longer and this time I successfully made it to my door, out of the office and into my car before I even admitted the truth to myself.

I would _always_ want, Edward.


	5. Chapter 6

"Anyone! It could have been _anyone_ and I would have understood, but Erin? No, I'm not in the wrong here! Short of giving his mother a kidney or some sort of life saving organ, she's a cunt and will forever remain a cunt in my book! _And the audacity_! My god the _audacity!_ Turning this cluster fuck of mass proportions on me... as if me not liking Erin was just unreasonable"

"Bella"

"And let's not forget the way he put our fate in _my_ hands! '_I am ready to turn my entire life upside down, to throw Erin out of my life for good... if you told me right now that you want me too' _Ugh!"

"Bella"

"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna..."

"You're gonna screw Jacob, pretend to be pregnant, crush Edward, crush Jacob and then confess it was all a lie?"

I halted all speech at Kates words. I didn't understand what in the world she meant... was she serious? Did she think I would do that?

"Kates... um..."

"Bella, who is your best friend right now?" Again I was speechless. "Bella? Who. Is. Your. Best. Friend?"

"Y... you are, Kates..." she made a buzzer sound as if to signal I was incorrect.

"Wrong! Jacob is your best friend... Jacobs _been_ your best friend for as long as I have known you. And spare me the pity party Bella Swan, you are 24 years old, quit acting like a petulant child!"

"Kates!" I gasped. What the hell had gotten into her?

"Don't _Kates_ me! You told me yourself all the stupid things he pulled with you. When you didn't make it to Edwards 21st birthday... because Jacob threatened to kill himself if you didn't stay with him?"

"Ka.."

"Or how about the time..."

"Who's side are you on?" I screeched. This was my moment to vent, this was bitch fest 2010' and I was launching Bellapalooza meets Wood Stock for the festivities.

"I am on your side, Bella. Yours. However, I need to play devils advocate for just a second. You treated Edward like _shit_ and he stayed by your side, he was there while you favored Jacob, he was there while you soul searched..."

"Kate! He _slept_ with another woman, he.."

"Allegedly. He _allegedly_ slept...with another woman"

"Yes, and now he and she are '_Peanut Butter Jelly Time.' _He's _dating_ her... he kisses her, hugs her, holds her..."

"Yes, he probably does."

"Kates!" I screeched once more

"Bella... I'm gonna tell you this once, only once. _Grow up. _ You are living in the past and your clouded by your anger. You love him, you want him, and the whole reason your mad is because you feel like he chose her over you... you feel betrayed."

"You don't know what it feels like, you don't..."

"No, I don't. I don't know what it feels like, I don't know what you're going through, but what I do know is that you have this... this _rage_, this inability to forgive what has happened. Don't punish Edward because he was able to, because if you look hard enough, Bella, your gonna see your not all that innocent in this whole mess. Let's not forget how, Erin came to be in his life in the first place."

I didn't stay on the phone much longer with Kate after that little reminder she threw in my face, granted she was right, but I didn't want to have to face my own ugly realities in this entire situation. So instead of taking Kate's advice, I simply ignored the conversation and started unpacking some boxes that had finally arrived.

About half way through the process I looked around and saw the empty shell of a place from just a week ago was finally beginning to look like a home. With a victorious smile, I broke down the emptys and headed down the hall to the trash chute.

I was still struggling with the load in my hands when his voice came softly behind me from the quiet hall. "Can I help you with those?" I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath,not needing to _see him_ to know it was indeed him. I didn't quite feel ready to talk to him... I wasn't ready to face anything just yet.

He didn't wait for me to reply though and instead grabbed the boxes and began walking away. I turned quickly on my heel just in time to see him make his way to the elevators. "What are you doing with my boxes?" I couldn't quite help the irritation in my voice as I began following after him. I wasn't sure why I followed, what would I do when I reached him? Grab my boxes back and sulk? _Idiot._

"I'm gonna take these down to the recycle bin... people go down there for boxes when they move out..." I continued staring for a moment before I realized I was frowning at his logic.

"Oh" _Oh, Bella? Really? Your so well spoken. _I heard the ding to the elevator sound and because I wasn't ready to _not_ see him anymore, I followed him on and grabbed a few of the boxes from him to help. _They were my boxes after all._

There's this thing about awkward silence... its frickin uncomfortable as hell, that's why it's known as awkward! I'm not saying that because I was in a quiet elevator with my idea of what a Greek god would be, I was saying that because I was in an elevator with a man I had loved, lost, loved... and then lost again. There was so much history... so much pain. It was almost suffocating.

"How's the unpacking going?" he asked with a bit of shyness. I turned to tell him to butt out, but... he was standing there as insecure as the day I had met him. Head down and watching his feet. Suddenly the need to be a bitch didn't seem all that justified and instead of the ass hole remark I wanted to give him a moment before, I told him the truth.

"I actually just got started... half the boxes arrived a few days ago, but I haven't had much motivation." I could hear my voice dimming lower and lower as I kept on, but I couldn't help it. "Being alone has it's up's, but right now... doing all this by myself... It would be nice to have someone to come home to for help." What I really meant to say was that it would have been nice to come home to him... to have _him_ there to help me.

The elevator signaled our stop and without another word I followed him to the box bin and placed the load gently inside. I turned back quickly to get the elevator but when I stepped inside, he didn't follow. I don't know why him not following me back in return hurt so much... but it did, it hurt badly. Against my better judgment I called out to him. "You're not coming back up?" I probably should have cared that I sounded as hurt as I felt, but when he turned my way and smiled that smile he was famous for... I realized that I didn't care what I sounded like.

"I will eventually, I live up there" he joked. I however didn't find it all that funny apparently, because as soon as he said it, I felt my face flame with heat at the way I had inadvertently put myself out there. He must have seen that, because quicker than I could comprehend he was in front of me holding the elevator door and cupping my face in attempt to coax me to look at him.

"Hey..." I wouldn't answer him, I couldn't find my voice. That didn't stop him though, "Bella, look at me..." I tried to not look, I didn't think my heart could handle it, but then his lips brushed gently against mine as he spoke, all the while never pulling away. "I'll always follow after you, Bella... always. You simply have to ask " another slow brush of his lips and that was all it took for my resolve to melt away.

"Please come back up... come home to me." At my confession, he kissed me. Truly kissed me, twining his fingers in my hair. The only sounds echoing around us were the wet kisses, panting and moans... most of which were coming from me. I was about two seconds from dragging him through the doors and finishing what he started this afternoon, but the sound of a throat clearing stopped me from doing just that.

When we pulled away, there wasn't a trace of embarrassment anywhere on his face, there was however... lust. "Excuse us" he offered to the older man at the door... he could have been at least eighty.

"Don't be ridiculous young man, with a love as palpable as yours for this young woman, I can't blame you."

I found myself smiling at the words of the kind stranger, but my eyes were trained on Edward as his were trained on me.

"I'll be back..." he whispered to the space around us, and just as quick as he had been here... he was gone.

The king stranger must have seen my distress over his absence, because all too soon he moved closer, patted my back and warmly comforted me, "He couldn't stay away if he tried" the old man whispered. And for what it's worth … I believed him.

When I walked back through my door, I tried desperately to quell the nerves that had built from the time he had been with me to the time he had left. I didn't have the slightest clue as to where he was at or why he had left and if I was being honest... I didn't want to know.

I continued on my routine of opening a box, emptying the box and placing the items in their proper places around the condo. I made a conscious effort to not watch the clock or keep track of the amount of boxes I unloaded, but by the time I was ready to take another batch or the emptys down... _and no it had absolutely nothing to do with the hopes of running back into Edward while I did so._

No sooner than I gathered the boxes to take down, there was a soft knock at my door. _Did it matter that I attempted to sprint to the door as quietly as I could ? Probably... but I couldn't find the shame to stop myself._

When I reached the door, I took a moment to collect my breath, fix my hair and calm my nerves and when I opened my door, there in the hall was Edward.

"Hey..." I breathed out. Any hopes I had of appearing nonchalant or non anxious was down the drain the second he smiled my way. I didn't even realize I was watching with as much intensity as I had been until he lifted a brown paper bag and a bottle of wine in between us.

"As tradition stands, Ms. Swan... we need to dine on horrible Chinese and drink cheap wine while we unpack the new residence..."

Those words were like a lick of wet leather across my very damp skin. It was a tradition... our tradition. We had done the same thing as we moved into our first apartment... and then again when I had moved back in..._after_ our first parting. I winced from the memory that tore us apart but recovered almost instantly.

"You remembered" I stepped aside with the door and welcomed inside my humble home. It wasn't much... and I could only imagine what he lived in himself, but just having him here... with me in my home was enough for mow, it was enough to shun even the most embarrassed feelings I had about the bare area around us that was indeed... mine.

_Everything can change in a moments notice_, that the saying. For having never believed it, I was now a full fledged believer.

Not even a full seven hours ago I was writhing under this man while he licked and sucked at my body in my office, and not much time after that I had been yelling at him and telling him I didn't want him. I doubted anyone would believe that if they could see us now.

Neither of us spoke of what happened earlier... Edward didn't seem all that concerned about it and I wasn't in any hurry to ruin the peace we had found tonight. Granted I still didn't know what the deal with he and Erin was, I had no idea what their talk had come to earlier when he arrived home... I didn't even know if she actually lived with him here or not. What I did know was that he poured my wine, served my dinner and opened boxes then put the contents in their proper places without me even having to tell him.

I worked alongside him making easy conversation and answering simple questions about my life. I have to admit that aside from an awkward pause every now and then, we both did an astounding job of avoiding the big pink elephant in the room. I had just started on the topic of my life in L.A when I felt his warm breath on my neck and his arm wrapped around my middle.

"When are you going to start talking?" he whispered into my neck. I shuddered with warmth at the feel of his warm breath on my neck.

"I've been talking..." I responded weakly. Of course I knew that he was talking about our issues... but in this moment, I felt as if ignorance was bliss.

"You're really here... aren't you?" He said with wonder. I could only nod my head before the feel of his nose grazing the side of my neck caused me to moan with pleasure as I opened myself up for him more freely. "Do you want me to stop?" He breathed out.

I knew this was a _huge_ mistake, I had known this afternoon was a mistake shortly after my panties hit the floor... but just like then, I couldn't find a good enough reason to care. And when his fingers dipped to my shorts and unbuttoned them, I knew that I was moments away from the land of no return.

I could hear my good conscious talking to me, yelling into my right ear that this was wrong and unmoral. But then there was that left side... that damn shoulder devil with a pitchfork who was cheering me on like that damn Starbucks frappuccino commercial where the band follows you around with a theme song. Though the theme song was winning, my good conscious was equally loud and supportive.

Just as I was about to pull away and collect my hormones... he glided two fingers over my sensitive folds and suddenly the urgency that he shouldn't be touching me no longer shouted all that loudly. In fact, it was downright silent.

When he didn't feel my hesitance any longer, he lifted me to the counter and pulled my body to the end of the ledge to bring me flush with his waiting and ready arousal. I was trying desperately to get the fabrics between us down to a minimum, but I couldn't seem to get my shorts from my hips without causing a sweeter friction with Edwards cock pushed right up against me in all the perfect places.

"I need to have you... I want you... can't wait anymore." I was ready to beg, plead and bargain anything for him to bring us both relief.

"Tell me you want me... I need to hear that you still want me." Suddenly his urgency was gone, all that remained now was man I had loved in secret for nearly all of my youth and then the best of my early adulthood.

He held my face so sweetly in both his hands and his eyes shined to beseech me to give him the answer he was seeking. Ever so sweetly he wiped away tears I didn't even know were falling. And yet... even with all that I was feeling... all that I wanted... I couldn't bring myself to say the words he needed to hear.

Before I could find an excuse to push away from him... he was gone. I watched with disbelief as he moved silently through the condo, gathered his coat and walked out of my door without another word.

So there I sat, atop my counter, shorts around my thighs and not a damn clue as to why in the hell I invited him here in the first place. Half of me was content to have let this end... but the other half of me was embarrassed and ashamed.

I had to of been the Queen of mixed signals... I felt like an asshole.

I jumped from the counter and pulled at my shorts in haste to clasp them in place, and headed for the door. I ran down the hall and toward the elevator that was thankfully empty but then all I could do was stare... because I had no idea what floor he lived on... or even what number was his. One more little fact hit me and with it, so did the reality that this had worked out probably for the better.

_I didn't know what the situation with Erin was. I didn't know if she lived with him... I didn't know if he was still with her._

With my heart in my stomach, I made my way back into my home and into the silence.


	6. Chapter 7

EPOV

Rejection.

That was all I could wrap my head around as I had walked out of her home and headed for the stairs as opposed to taking the elevator. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but... I had imagined she may come after me, and even though the idea of her doing that felt a little bit better than that absolute wretched feeling drowning me at that moment, I simply didn't think I could face her again that night.

Two rejections in one day is my limit, hell one had been enough, but two?

I climbed the steps for a few floors until I realized that she had no idea what floor I lived on or what condo was mine. I half cheered because I could not get the lift, but... then I realized she had no way of talking to me if she needed... _or even wanted to._

With a deep sigh, I stopped moving altogether and slumped down on the stairs. I had a heavy feeling in my stomach, one that wasn't going to simply go away with a shower and a good night sleep. No, what I was feeling was sick. I was sick of this, sick of all of this.

Drama seemed to invade me at every corner now that Bella had come storming back into my life. I had my own feelings coming to the surface with each second that passed. I couldn't simply ignore the fact that Bella worked there, she actually sat just feet away from where I did, every single day.

I had dreamed of having her again, dreamed of being able to kiss and hold her once more. Then all of a sudden she was there... beautiful, smart and an adult. For the briefest moment I had an overwhelming hope that we would _finally_ be able to talk and bury all of the horrible things the we'd put each other through. I didn't get that though, and granted I hadn't helped the cause by attacking her like a horny teenager in her office, but my only defense is that when around her, all sensibility went out the window.

I didn't regret any of it, not one single second, but I would have changed the part where our need for each other took precedence over the little bit of resolve we could have accomplished.

And god forbid that my life be any less stressful than it already was, because now not only did I have Bella to figure things out with, I had Erin as well. I swear in this moment I felt like I had gone in a time machine and landed my ass smack dab in the middle of my college drama, bullshit.

After Bella had seen Erin and I that night at the pizza place, she called my sister and asked her to talk to me about meeting with her for coffee or lunch. Who wants to take a guess at what my reaction was when my little sister came to me, serving as a messenger for my ex-girlfriend?

Yeah... it wasn't good. Alice wasn't all that impressed with the effort Bella had put forth either, but she urged me to at least hear her out, if not for Bella's sake, then for mine. She had said I needed closure... and for the first time in a long time, I agreed that this just truly may have been the end of the Bella and Edward Saga.

I took a day to think, to just really think. I thought about how I always came second to Jacob, I thought about how it felt like I had been the only one willing to bend for the sake of our relationship, and lastly I remembered how on my birthday, I had been bent so far that I had finally broken,and how she had simply stayed away the entire time it took myself and my family to pack my things.

I'll be honest, a big part of me- a very insecure, needy part- had hoped she would come to me and make the effort to fix this entire mess. But she didn't, and I simply didn't have the resolve to keep fighting a battle for two by myself.

After battling my feelings, I decided that I would speak with her. If this were to really be the end, then I wanted to leave things with her on a good note, I didn't want to associate Bella with pain, I wanted to see her face happy, to know that she was indeed better off and that even though I had lost her... it had been right.

Later that afternoon I called her and invited her over to my apartment, I didn't think I could handle being in a crowded place and having to deal with all the emotions I knew would come with having this talk.

When she arrived later that evening, it was awkward. I was making a pot of coffee while she walked around the small living room and took in each photo aligning my shelves and walls as if she had never seen any of them. I watched carefully as she stopped at the small photo of her that I still kept on my shelf.

I'll admit that when I moved in there, I was determined to start fresh, my mother and Alice both had encouraged me to not unpack photos of she and I for the sake of moving on. They didn't _not_ like Bella, but I guess they had finally reached their limit of the situation as well, because honestly... how many times can you comfort your son because his girlfriend is blowing him off to be with another man? I kept this one out though, because I couldn't simply live here and not feel as if she had been part of my life.

That had sparked the beginning of our reconciliation. I told her those words exactly, and though I knew it pained her to hear my mother and sister weren't all that fond of she and I together anymore, she told me she appreciated the honesty.

We spoke of my birthday and of what she had missed that evening. I told her in great detail about how her absence that night from both the celebration and my life made it impossible to enjoy. I told her with absolutely no reservation that I hated Jacob, that even though she would never admit it, he wanted her. What I hadn't anticipated was that she had finally admitted that yes... he did want her.

I had been so caught off guard with that admission to say anything else, and that is when she jumped onto the topic of Erin.

She asked how we had met, and if we were dating. She wanted to know many things ranging from my feelings for her to asking if she stayed over nights here.

I told her exactly how I had met Erin and what our friendship consisted of. Bella listened to me describe her and how Erin had been a great friend to me during the last couple of months.

We talked and talked and talked... and then we kissed, and I simply couldn't let her go again. I had clung to her and carried her to my small room and made love to her in an attempt to show her that I loved her, that I needed her and that I didn't want to be without her again.

I broke my lease the next day and we moved back in together.

I realized about two weeks later that we should have continued talking, because the second Erin came over for poker night- like she had for the past two months,-Bella shut down, locked herself in the room and didn't come out to join us for the rest of the evening.

Aside from that display of emotions she had laid out, the days away with Jacob continued on as they had before. However, trying to talk to her about it this time was rewarded with Erin being thrown into the discussion. Bella hated that my family had grown to like her, hated that _my parents_ invited her to bar-b-q's and gatherings. It wasn't something new though for god sake, because I had met Erin through Emmett! She had been welcomed to our gatherings since the first time he had brought her home... I minimized my time with her, but we still hung out, and because she hadn't done anything to be uninvited, my parents weren't going to stop asking her over just because Isabella didn't like it.

The final straw this time around came when Bella left at 1am to stay the night at Jacobs because he wanted to watch a movie and didn't want to watch it alone. I begged her not to go, pleaded with tears and anger, but she did.

That night I had called Erin to talk because I didn't think I could continue on this way anymore. I told her how I was feeling and she came over with a bottle of Tequila and a bag of lemons. I just remember crying at one point and having her hold me, they weren't the arms I had wanted... but I let her, because at least they were arms.

I don't know how long I sat on those steps just thinking, but eventually I dragged myself up and made my way home. When I got there, I continued on the path I had just parted with. I thought seriously about what I wanted and what I had.

I called out of work the next day and the day after that. I spent that time holed up in my condo making lists and calling contacts I had around the world. I couldn't stay there, couldn't work there... it was like being handed your favorite desert and being told to only admire it with your eyes... no tasting, smelling or dreaming. I knew I would go mad... She had only been here a short time and already I was lost for her again.

I didn't think I could handle the cat and mouse games anymore, I was too old for the chase and too young to be bitter. I needed to get away from it all, from everyone. Especially from Erin.

When Sunday rolled around, I called her and asked her to come over. I had been putting off this conversation for a long while now... too long.

A year ago when Erin came back into my life, she not only brought herself, but the residual anger I still held for what she had cursed my past with as well.

I had forgiven her years ago... or at least I had said the words. But I didn't, not really. But when I had run into her again a year ago, we had finally sat down and talked. I asked her _why, _I didn't understand the flip she had switched that made her do it.

She watched me with pained eyes as I begged her to tell me what the hell had happened. It was that night that I heard the painful truth, and the role in which I played with that lie. She told me of the tequila, she recalled the shots and the tears I had shared with her over my pain in Bella's and my relationship. I had confessed to her that I was done... that I couldn't carry on that way any

longer... and as if she saw the recognition in my eyes, she stopped telling the story, and I carried on where she had left off.

"I begged you not to let me change my mind... I told you to do anything humanly possible from staying in that relationship for a second longer." I had sat there in shock as the memory of me saying those exact words came back to me.

"_I love her, Erin... I love her so much and it hurts. She wants him more than she wants me... how can I compete with that?"_

"_I don't know, Edward... but...I mean... if this is the best she can give you, then you need to decide if you can live with it. Do you want to always feel this way?"_

"_She has this way, Erin... even when she walks away, I'm always right here waiting for her... waiting for her to decide I am worth staying around for. No more though... I can't... I just can't do it anymore. __Don't let me do it anymore, promise me that you won't let me be a fucking idiot and stick around for this anymore."_

"You were always so sad, Edward... I just didn't realize how broken you had become until that night. I had never seen you that way, I met you while you were _just Edward_, you were down sometimes, but in time you smiled... and often."

I honestly didn't know what to say, I couldn't believe that not only had she kept her promise, she had succeeded in ending that entire relationship completely. I was still coming to terms with my role in all of this mess when she sat forward and took my hand in her own.

"I _am_ sorry, I honestly didn't even know I had it in me. I had never... hell I don't know, never been as close to anyone as I had been with you... I would have done anything for you."

I got up then and left, I couldn't hear anything more and fled to my home and cried for a long while.

A soft knock on my door pulled me from my haunted memories. I was actually grateful for the reprieve; I didn't want to relive this anymore, I didn't want to feel the pain and the hate... I carried enough around for myself to last a life time.

I answered the door to find Erin standing there with a sad smile and a handful of my mail. I waved her in and stood holding the door as she walked in and handed me my mail. I didn't waste time looking it over and instead headed straight to the couch so I could begin before I lost my bravado.

"Why was, Bella here?" she asked with a worried tone. I had no idea what she was talking about and before I could think the situation over, I jumped up and made my way to the door in an attempt to stop her. But before I even turned the door, Erin chimed back in. "Edward? Did she come here or not?"

It was in that question that everything fell back into place. Bella _lived_ in this building... and Erin had seen her at some point on her way up. Disappointment flooded me thick as slowly made myself sit back down. "She didn't come here... she _lives _here."

"What the fuck are you talking about, guy?" I looked up to see Erin with her eye brows up and her face confused. She had not doubt just assumed I was losing my mind... she wouldn't be too far off thinking that though. I could only chuckle as I rubbed my hands over my face and explained what I meant.

"She lives in this building... she fucking lives here..." Without permission from myself, I began to sob uncontrollably. She was here... she was here and she still _hated_ me. She couldn't even bring herself to attempt forgiveness, she... she would always hate me.

That thought sent me on a roller coaster of pain and sorrow. It was if I had lost her all over again, as if our goodbye was just moments ago, not years. Erin had tried to hug me, to pat my back but I wouldn't let her touch me. Instead I yelled.

"Don't touch me!" I was screaming with rage, but it only lasted for a moment and then the pain came back. "I don't want...just...don't touch me."

She didn't try to console me anymore. Instead she sat stoically as I yelled and told her I hated her, told her I wished we had never met. I shook with rage as I confessed my absolute and complete hate for her. She didn't even flinch... she simply nodded her head in acceptance while I degraded her and told her that it was all her fault.

I did that for an hour... maybe more, I couldn't really tell you. But what I can tell you, is that at the end of my rant, Erin came to my side and took a deep breath before asking me if I felt any better. When I didn't answer her, she grabbed her sweater, walked to the door and said only one thing before she left.

"I was a kid... and you were my best friend." I could see her stand straighter and bolder... as if she knew those words to be true... because they were. "If I knew then what I know now... I would have never done it, I would have never come back around you after she was in your life once more. I might be the bay guy in your story, Edward... but I'm not a bad person. I did what I did because you asked me to do _something...anything. _But I am not a bad person."

I felt the hate I had for myself rise up once more but before I could take it out on her again, she smiled, opened the door and whispered gently, "If you need anything... you know I'll be around." And then she was gone.

And when she was gone... I had to take all my hate and direct it back to the source... myself.


	7. Chapter 8

_Okay, so this story has had some very mixed reviews! I love them all, the good, bad and ugly! I wanted to address some of the comments made as to Edward and Erin's relationship, but before I do that let me explain the story theme. It's a cross between "Secret window" meets "Eclipse". Now I may be alone in this, but from a few reviews, I don't think I am. I was angry in Eclipse at how Bella would constantly hurt Edward. She always ran to Jacob and just expected Edward to understand, but he's still a man! A jealous man! I always wondered how she would have felt if he had been as close to say... I don't know, Tanya perhaps? Any who, I read a lot of stories, that make Bella the hurt one with all the blame on Edward or Jake, I'm not judging, I get it, I love those stories too, they're in my favorites! But... I wanted to do a different story, one where Bella has faults and is just plain human. Point being that yes.. Bella did kiss Jacob near the campsite, yes Bella was closer to Jake than she realized, yes she put Edward on the back burner, yes Edward told her how he felt, but she wouldn't relinquish. So they broke up... he met Erin, and he and Erin became friends... only friends. No kissing, holding hands... nada. Nothing wrong with friends. Bella saw them at the pizza place... and jealously flared. So here is where we are at their current past... you'll read the rest. I just wanted to address those coming to their own conclusions on that last part, Bella is not innocent, she just saw her faults later rather than sooner, and they were pointed out by Kate. :)_

BPOV

He didn't come to work the next day or the day after that. Bella had even left her office door open in hopes of catching a glimpse of him walking in late, but that never happened. She couldn't help the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that said it was because of her and what had happened - or better yet, what _hadn't happened-_She needed to apologize for how she'd had been acting lately; was ashamed to admit that even though she was a woman in her mid-twenties, she'd been acting like a ridiculous teenager fighting with her ex on a high school campus.

She knew if she could just see him and explain herself, then maybe she could salvage what was left of this—_of whatever it was they were-_ It wasn't fair how she'd treated him, he'd been trying so hard and when he'd brought that food and wine, he'd been showing her more than kindness; he'd been trying to tell her that he remembered her—remembered _them_-.

By the end of the day on Friday, Bella was the last person out of the office. She told herself little lies like deadlines and being inundated with work were the reasons, but the truth was that she stayed so that she could snoop. She waited a full half hour to make sure no one else was there or would be coming back, and when she felt it was safe, walked across the hall to Edwards office and began looking for something, _anything_ that would clue her into him and what his life was like these days; a clue as to what he and Erin's relationship was like.

Before going to the pictures on his desk she took a deep breath, calming her nerves and preparing for pictures of he and Erin that would no doubt be littering the desk and walls. She didn't know if it would help, but she hoped desperately that if she prepared herself before seeing them, then the pain wouldn't be as bad.

Making her way around his desk she reminded herself that this was her choice; that seeing the pictures that were sure to tear her heart open didn't _need_ to be seen, but that she had _wanted_ to see them. With a last deep breath, she rounded on the desk and began scanning the array of photos on display. As she fought the useless shaking in her legs, her eyes looked frantically from each photo as if willing one to stand out at her. However, instead of the timeline she was sure she would find of Edward and Erin's relationship, she found only pictures of his family and Emmett's little boy lining the desk. She picked the collaged frame that housed what seemed to be the very best of little E.J and cradled it in her palm gently. As she admired the photos with a tender smile, she couldn't help recalling the overwhelming emptiness she had felt when that sweet little boy had walked into her office.

For that moment in her oblivious mind, she had come face to face with who she had thought was the child of Edward. It wasn't the crushing moment in her life as she had envisioned it to be time and time again, but instead she had felt an envious jealousy that it was Erin who had given him that sweet little life. That it was she who had created with him a life that could never be ignored or denied.

Still holding the pictures, she began to imagine what kind of children she and Edward would have had by now. Bella believed she and Edward would have had amazing children, beautiful daughters with her brown hair, and wild, rambunctious sons with his temper. What had started as a whisper of regret over her and Edwards past became a full on storm, and as she placed the frame carefully back on his desk, it hit her that if she had been a bit more understanding and loyal in the past, then perhaps it _would_ be their sons photo she had just looked at on his desk.

With that, she left for home, all the while replaying each and every time she had disregarded Edward or put him second to Jacob. She had always relied on the excuse that she was young and naive back then, but if she were being honest with herself, then she had to admit that her actions then were driven by the fact that she'd always felt lacking next to Edward. For the first time, she admitted that she had _liked_ that he was jealous. Stupid as it sounded, she had felt like he would maybe see that she had options aside from him and would maybe love her more because of it.

"What did I do?"

Now that Bella knew the truth, she saw their entire relationship differently. Though she had to admit she didn't _feel_ any different. She accepted that her feelings for Edward hadn't faded even the slightest over the years, even before she was aware that there was no baby, no marriage, and in the end, no real binding love between Edward and Erin. Though that helped cool the flames of jealousy, it didn't negate the fact that Erin was still a bitch.

Over the last few years alone, she had envisioned seeing Edward time and time again. She imagined what their first confrontation about their end would entail, and it usually varied between extremely forgiving to a wrath of anger that would leave him begging for forgiveness. Yet now that the moment had come and gone, she had to laugh at the fact that she had never even entertained the imagination of him wanting her and aching to make love to her once more…nor that she would be equally as desperate for him.

These thoughts and about a dozen different more were the central point of her weekend, and instead of getting a clearer outlook on what she wanted to do, she found herself even further confused about what it was that needed to happen. Her epiphany of how she had been responsible in their demise just as much as he had hit her with a vengeance. Bella wasn't able to focus on anything other than each wrong she had committed and exactly how each one played a part in either pushing him away and in turn, luring Jacob in.

Majority of her weekend had been spent in bed while either dreaming of a better ending or waking to the ugly truth. Outside of a trip to the kitchen for wine or a small bite to eat, she remained in the sanctuary of her covers and let herself sulk and pity what was the sad reality of her life now. It wasn't until Sunday that she finally dragged herself out of bed and showered. Feeling slightly better and at least a little more motivated, she set out for grocery shopping and possibly a lunch date with Kate.

Stepping out into the lobby from the elevator, she allowed herself to feel hopeful for the first time since she'd arrived. Things weren't what they'd seemed before, and her and Edwards future wasn't yet written in stone. If she could start doing the right thing, and acting like an adult, she could possibly have everything she ever wanted with him, she just had to give it all the chance to grow.

With that attitude in place, it was no real surprise that she had stopped dead in her tracks when she spotted Erin at the front desk. "Good morning, Cliff! Any mail for Edward?" She watched from the elevator exit as Erin smiled happily and conversed with Cliff about the weather and the vast amounts of packages he still had to sort.

Perhaps it was the fact that Erin was so familiar with the man, or maybe it was the fact that she was here to see Edward, but whatever it was, something about the way Erin made herself at home here clawed at the petty part of Bella and caused her to glare at the woman with complete indignation. She may have even thrown up a little in her mouth at the sight of her, but then Erin turned to make her way to the elevator and Bella cursed herself for watching the show instead of making a quick and unseen exit.

Recognition washed over Erin's face the second she spotted Isabella. Her smile faded and her expression was one of serious concern as she got closer and closer. Before Bella could force her legs to move, Erin was standing in front of her with a look that said she wanted Bella nowhere near this building.

"Did you go see, Edward?" There was just the slightest hint of an attitude in the way she said it, but it was enough to set the flames of hate soaring through Bella's body once more.

"No." Bella stood there with her anger growing but refusing to give this girl to benefit of seeing just how much she bothered her by simply existing, and instead channeled all her energy in trying to keep the disdain for Erin from spilling from her lips here in this beautiful lobby.

"Why are you here, Bella?" Bella wished she could justify a tone of bitchiness, but the reality of it was that she asked it as a serious question, and Bella probably would have answered it too if she hadn't hated her so damn much, so instead…

"I owe you nothing, _Erin_" The satisfaction Bella took from Erin's flinch at the tone of her name was indescribable, but then it hit her that even though she could cat fight with the best of them, this woman was still on her way up to Edward, and…Bella was not. That was enough to make her walk away, but before she could get far enough from the witch, Erin called out to her over her shoulder.

"You owe me nothing... but you _owe Edward." _And with those words, the floodgates opened and Bella was striding back to stand toe to toe with her nemesis. It didn't matter in the least that she was at least a good foot shorter than her; it didn't even bother her that she had no real leg to stand on when it came to the fact that her past spoke volumes about why the question was asked in the first place. What it did come down to, was that there was unfinished business between these two women and an unspoken rivalry that had just come to a head.

"What I do or do not owe him is none of your business." The words were said with calm venom that left Goosebumps on even her own skin. She watched the words sink into Erin's skin as if they were a poison, but it wasn't enough to keep her quiet. Instead, she watched the calculating thoughts collecting in Erin's eyes, and before she could stop herself, she let everything she'd bottled up these last year's fall from her lips as if this were the last opportunity she would ever get to say them. "I have my faults, my regrets, but for him to fuck you in _our home, in our bed,_ does not make anything that happened before your prissy ass came along even!" She could see Erin's lips beginning to move as if ready to retaliate, but she was quicker, "_Do not_ talk to me, look at me, or come near me, _ever again!_"

She turned on her heel with a swiftness she hadn't known she possessed, and the feeling of overwhelming joy for having said it all washed over her as if she had been baptized. Bella didn't bother looking back or even pausing to see if anything she'd said had struck a chord. Instead she strode down the sidewalk with a pep in her step so great that left her feeling for the first time that maybe, just maybe she could compete with her demons of feeling insignificant. But before she could wash herself in that emotion, she reminded herself that above all else, she needed to make things right with Edward.

As she made her way into the city to start her errands, she vowed to herself that when she got home this evening, she would start planning on exactly how she was going to do that.

Monday came and with it, so did a lot of tension. The night before she had wracked her brain for a way to approach Edward about everything, she hadn't figured out the perfect way to do it. So In the end, she decided that she would just have to suck up all her pride and approach him straight out. She had decided that no matter what, when she saw him next, she was going to approach him and ask him to dinner so they could clear the air.

She'd woken early that morning and had taken extra care to do herself up for work. When she'd vowed to confront him at the first opportunity, she hadn't exclude work as a spotting place either. She was prepared to put herself out there completely, no matter what the situation or the time or place. So when she was certain she couldn't look any better, Bella set off to work with excitement and anxiety washing through her the entire drive there.

As she drove, she wondered if Erin had told Edward about our confrontation the day before. She wondered if he would be a little angry about it or if he would blow it off as no big deal just as he had about all things concerning Erin so far. She hoped that he wouldn't be angry with her about it, but was prepared to defend her actions if he took her to task about it.

As she made her way down the corridor to her office, she breathed deeply and prepared herself for the monumental moment that was about to happen. As she approached her office door, she made a bold left and stood in the doorway of his office. But instead of his concentrated gaze, his office was now empty. The entire space was cleared out and not even his name plate was on the door. She stood there gaping into the empty office as she tried to comprehend what it was she was seeing. Her legs shook and breathing was becoming almost impossible, she turned to her own office with a thousand thoughts running through her mind, but as she stepped inside, she saw an arrangement of flowers sitting in front of the key board.

She approached them slowly as if waiting for them to burst into flames, all the while wondering what she was going to do if he was gone for good. She sat gently and settled her gaze on the flowers before her for a moment before reaching around them in search of a card. _Please be from him, please be from him. _She kept repeating the chant over and over as if in prayer, but soon she realized there was no card to greet her or to solve the mysterious bouquet.

With so much to question and no one to answer her, she made her way down to reception and asked Margie where the flowers had come from. All she did was wink and say that a florist had delivered them this morning but that nothing in the way of a card or letter was with it. Still feeling rather dazed and to be honest, a lot more nervous, she went ahead and asked the one question she was dying to know the answer to.

"Where is Edward Cullen?" At that, Margie had no explanation.

She went through her day, attempting to feign normalcy and keeping busy with files and plans, but time and time again her gaze returned to the empty space across the hall and each time bringing a new question and insecurity along with it.

Though she didn't deserve to be, she was a proud woman. And her pride was what kept her from going straight to Jim and flat out asking the burning question of where Edward was. So instead, she went ahead and kept fishing for answers from co-workers at the water cooler and even broaching the subject in the break room. All those attempts had failed though, because _no one_ had even the slightest clue as to where he was or what could have happened.

By the time she'd gathered enough sense to set aside her silly pride and ask the boss about Edward's whereabouts, it was already late in the day and he had left the office for a meeting with a client. So by the time she arrived home to her building and parked, she was downright exhausted. In some ways she was relieved at not having to _see_ him, but then_ not _seeing him was tearing pieces of her heart apart all over again. It had been different before, when she'd left him and never spoken to him again, she had done it cold turkey, and also while angry and proud. But now, now she had all those buried feelings resurrected inside and it was as if she had to go through it all again, except now she was feeling these emotions raw, now she still loved him and suddenly was far_, far_ less proud.

Once inside and beginning the walk to the elevators her mind began to drift again. She was debating on how to get his condo number from the doorman, but before she could reach the lift, Cliff was calling after her.

"Excuse me... you are Miss. Swan are you not?" She halted her steps and turned to face him with wariness.

"Yes... I am." She watched as he reached for a something on his desk and made his way around the front.

"Mr. Cullen left this for you this morning, said to make sure you received it as soon as you came in."

Her jaw was slack, and her legs felt heavy, and all the while she stared at the parchment resting in Cliff's crinkly hand. She could see her name written elegantly across the top, the site of it bringing the random memory of seeing the same writing atop her kit kat bar that Edward had replaced when E.J had visited.

With a shaky hand she took the letter and whispered a thank you to Cliff before turning toward the elevator and making her way to the 6th floor. She continued to gaze at the thick letter in hand the entire elevator ride, all the while guessing and second guessing what was actually inside waiting to be read.

When she was safely inside her home and sitting comfortably on her couch, she opened the seal and took a last deep breath as if bracing for the words she was about to read…

_Bella,_

_I'm sorry you're hearing like this that I'm gone, but the thought of having to see you and say what I have to say didn't seem like something I could actually get through. I'm sure this is cowardice, but then again, maybe I truly am just a coward when it comes to you._

_I__ thought that I had put everything behind me, but judging from the way I keep jumping you, I'd say tha__t was nothing more than wishful thinking.__You don't know how hard I have tried to convince myself that I can easily forget you, I have tried... God help me I have tried, but __I know now that no matter how much time goes by, that I'll never be able to put you out of my heart, and honestly, I don't ever want to._

_Even after all these years, you have left this feeling here inside me, one that I never fail to feel. It's a feeling that only you can give me, and it roared through me once more the first time I saw you standing there in front of me at the office; I couldn't believe it was actually you. I can never describe to you what it felt like to see you again... to once again drink in your beauty and your life._

_The fact of the matter is that I don't know how to be around you and not want you; I realize that's not fair to you, and that just because I can't let go doesn't mean that you should be punished because you could. So I'm going to do the hardest thing I have ever done, and that is to let you have your peace and stop trying to force my way in your life. It's clear to me that you do not want our past, and considering what it consisted of, I cannot blame you at all. _

_I have things I need to make right at the moment, things I need to figure out for me and while I do it, I am begging you to ask yourself if this is really, truly over. If you tell me it is, then I promise you that I will not ever bother you about it again... I will forever respect your answer and look at you as no more than the past. But Bella... fate brought us together again at the same job, same residence... I beg you to factor that in. I love you, I'll be seeing you soon..._

_Edward._

I sat there for the longest moment, reading and re-reading again and again. Was he gone already? Did he leave this after I left for work? How would he be seeing me? Did he still live here?

I was up off the couch and out of my building and headed toward, Cliff. I was determined to find Edwards floor at the very least, and knock until my knuckles bled, or he answered... or... heaven forbid... _she _answered.

I didn't let my mind linger on that for long, because just as the elevator opened up, I found him. Edward was dressed casually and surrounded by luggage.

I didn't make it down stairs... and truth be told, neither did Edward, because I was dragging him back down my hall, suitcases and all. If he was going to leave... then we were going to have the truth out once and for all before he did.


	8. Chapter 9

For two people who had just about seen each other in every light possible, they were acting like complete strangers. Isabella sat on one couch with her hands twisting and twining with nerves as her eyes stayed fixed on the hardwood floors.

Edward too sat with a nervous stomach on the opposite couch. The only sign he was feeling on edge about this moment was the absent popping of his knuckles that seemed to echo in the quiet space around them.

Long moments passed before Bella raised her eyes to meet his gaze. Edward was a little set back to see that the expression she wore was contrite, deeply so. Seeing her looking so solemn had him moving to the edge of his seat, his arms aching to take her into his body, his lips tingling with the need to press against her own...

"Where are you going?" she mumbled.

He noted how her words were miserable, the way she pouted gently at the end of her sentence. Was he a horrible man to hope she was upset at the idea of him leaving? He sat even further at the edge of his seat now, his body tense, stomach fluttering with nerves at the conversation they were about to have.

"There's a few places actually" again he watched her fingers wringing each other tightly, the sight of them making his chest ache, making him wonder once more if this was the right thing to be doing.

"Are...are you going alone?"

It wasn't that she stumbled through the question; it was that when she said it, her voice had dropped to a whisper and now she seemed to be holding her breath while awaiting his answer. He stood then and wordlessly crossed to her side. Instead of sitting beside her, he took a seat at the edge of the coffee table, facing her and ever so gently taking her face between his hands.

"Bella, I need you to tell me what is going on right now...I need you to be completely honest_...p__lease_..."

She wasn't sure where exactly to begin with the answer to that question. Isabella was still wrapping her head around the fact that he was _here_, in her home, in her head...and apparently, in her heart. There was so much unsaid between them, so much history and pain that had been building up over the last four years that made finding a starting point almost impossible.

"Bella...please. _Talk_ to me." he said the words almost as if in prayer, his voice a deep lull that was compelling her to speak up and say what was in her heart. It took her a long moment, but she gathered the courage to gaze up at him and saw the ache in his perfect face, his eyes closed, his brows furrowed in concentration.

Reality hit her like a ton of bricks all over again. The pain in his face became a sore reminder of just how much she had hurt him too. His expression was one she knew well on him, it was the same one he'd worn when she had picked Jacob time and time again. The one he wore the night she told him she'd not be attending his birthday party...the one he worn the night Erin told him she was pregnant.

Yes she'd suffered four years ago, but he'd been hurting long before any of that. That realization was enough to get her lips moving and her brain working at the words she had told herself she needed to say.

"I don't want you to go" she whispered. It was a small pause before his hands fell away from her face and a small sigh filled the air around them.

Anxious and scared that she'd said the one thing he didn't want to hear, she nervously peeked up to see what his face would say. Before he'd appeared sad as he'd asked her to talk to him, but now he looked...tormented.

He wanted so badly for the words she'd said to be true, but years of disappointment from her made him less optimistic than he wanted to be. He wanted so badly to believe in her, but old fears died hard. He knew better than anyone that she could mean what she was saying..._for now_, but what would happen in a month, week...day? What would happen when they walked out of this room and faced the world he so badly wanted to run from?

"Bella, I need to know why you don't want me to go. I need for you to tell me _exactly_ why you're saying this."

He watched as she took several deep breaths and nibbled her bottom lip. That action alone was enough to tighten his gut with want and make him anxious to hear her out. When she finally sat up straight and met his gaze again, he was nearly sick with anxiety over what reasons it was she would give. To his amazement, she took his hands into her lap and stroked gently at his fingers as she began.

"I know that since I got here I've been giving you whiplash. I'm so sorry about that. It's just that...well I wasn't expecting to see you...I didn't think I would ever see you again." He wanted to tell her that it was okay, that he could understand why she would be confused, but he forced himself to keep his mouth shut, was determined to hear her out and absorb everything it was she was saying.

"I used to day dream about you a lot...about what it would be like if I ever _did_ see you again." she paused briefly and he saw a flash of pain cross her face as she thought about whatever it was she wanted to say next. "I always wondered if you had a little boy or a little girl...what they would look like...what you would have named them..."

He was the one holding her hands now, was doing his best to caress and sooth her while she relived that horrible memory that he had cursed her with. She was breathing deep now, her eyes blinking furiously against the tears beginning to well in her beautiful brown eyes. He was just about to pull her to his chest when she looked up with an agonized expression and whispered the rest. "I was so jealous."

Though Bella was the one making the confession, it was Edward who was truly ashamed. He'd often thought of Isabella over the years and imagined her in a new life, with a husband...possibly a lover...but he'd never once let himself imagine her with a child. The idea of her carrying another man's baby had made him so angry with such a dark rage that he'd never fully allowed himself to even contemplate it as a reality.

Yet here she was...young, beautiful and still as insecure as ever. And it was _she_ who had been forced to imagine such a thing for many years. He was beginning to hate himself more and more each second.

"I saw E.J come into my office and it nearly stopped my heart. He was so beautiful, so small and amazing." she gazed up softly at him to say the rest, "He looked so much like you that I thought he was definitely yours."

He couldn't find his voice, his throat felt too thick and dry to say even a whisper. She smiled softly at him though and finished. "I couldn't hate him...I _couldn't._ I could never hate anything that was a part of you...no matter which woman you'd created that life with."

"Bella..."she shook her head gently and placed her finger to his lip; a silent request to let her continue. He obliged her.

"I've been thinking a lot lately...about the past." She kept her voice at a whisper, but he was so enthralled in this conversation that he heard every word as if she'd spoken in a normal voice.

"I was wrong." she nodded her head as if agreeing with herself. The sadness disappeared with swiftness and was replaced with determination. "The things I did to you...putting you second. I hate that I did that to you...that I pushed you away and never even paused to truly hear your concerns." Her voice broke then, the words falling from her lips with anguish so deep it rocked her to the core.

Edward stared at her with owl eyes as he let each word settle upon him. He didn't trust his ears right now…he couldn't believe that she'd said what he thought.

To him, her words were incomprehensible, because they were impossible. How many times had Edward prayed that she would say this? How many nights did he lie awake staring at their door hoping she would come in and never leave him for Jacob again? He found himself shaking _his_ head gently, seeming to try and wake from this day dream he'd let get too far out of hand.

She noticed him doing that and brought her hands to his face to hold him still. Staring deep into his confused eyes, she sobbed the only thing left to say.

"I was an idiot! I th—thought that—if you—saw I had—another option—you would see I was—worth keeping!"

Far too gone to say anything more, Isabella buried her face deep in his chest and let him hold her. She was embarrassed to say the least. She'd only ever admitted that she had acted so childish to herself just days before, but saying it aloud and to _Edward_...well, that was quite possibly the worst thing she could have imagined having to admit.

He said nothing for a long while, instead simply holding her and rocking gently from side to side while dropping gentle kisses to her hair and temple. She couldn't imagine that saying these things to him would feel so freeing, but after the initial embarrassment began to fade, she could actually _feel_ the weight of those words lifting from her shoulders.

Edward wasn't sure what it was he should even say after an admission like that. Had she truly thought that he would have seen her _worthier_? He couldn't wrap his mind around that statement; it made no sense to him. _He'd_ never felt like he could keep her...it was him who'd been lacking...

He'd loved her unconditionally, had always told her how beautiful and amazing she was...that she was a dream come true to him. How could she have truly ever thought the way she did?

When he was sure she was calm and her breathing had evened out and her shoulders had stopped shaking, he dropped one last kiss to her hair and set her back so he could see her face. It was easy to see that she was still embarrassed, but beyond that, he could also see that some of the tension she'd been carrying was gone now.

Feeling bolder now and a lot less confused, he moved to sit beside her and smiled softly for her understanding. "Why didn't you ever tell me this before?"

She blushed crimson as she shrugged with confusion. "I only really admitted it to myself a couple days ago..."

At her words he kissed her blushing cheeks and whispered, "Do you feel better for it?"

She popped her wide brown eyes up to face him, seemingly shocked that he wasn't mad and nodded. "Yes..."

He simply nodded in turn as caressing her cheek and said, "Good."

In the course of 20 minutes his entire life had once again changed. What was it about this woman that made him take such drastic measures? He'd gone from the lowest low to the highest high, and it had all stemmed from interaction with Bella.

When he'd decided to get the hell out of dodge, it had been because he couldn't bear the thought of having to see her each day and know that he had lost her. But now…well now she was asking him to stay…because _she_ couldn't bear the idea of not seeing him!

Did he want to be smiling just a little right now? No. But he couldn't help the overwhelming sense of relief that had washed over him the second that she'd said her peace. It was as if each word she'd spoken had been tied to the corners of his mouth.

Still holding her and rocking her gently, he asked the only thing left that mattered, "What do we do now?" He waited with baited breath as she pulled back and stared at his hands for a moment.

"I don't want you to go…but…what about…" Her chocolate eyes stared into his with fear, worry and desperation before she whispered, "Erin?"

And just like that, reality washed over him like a bucket of cold water. Where to start with that topic? He wasn't sure how much she wanted him to say, did she want him to go as far back as she had? She deserved to know everything, but at the same time he didn't want her to feel like she had to re-live this again.

She must have taken his silence as a statement that said Erin was still in the picture, because her eyes began to water once more and she nodded her head as if accepting the silent thought she believed was a reality. He was just about to tell her that she could ask him anything about that subject, but before he could, Bella was sobbing quietly and moving toward the end of the couch as if to give him some space.

Feeling like he would do anything to make her stop crying, he said the one thing he knew would make all the difference to her. "Erin and I aren't together…we…we just kinda hang out." That had gotten her attention, but the anguish in her eyes still hadn't faded. He decided that if there were any time in the world to set things concerning Erin, right with Bella, now would be the one and only time. "At least we used to."

He stood then and made his way to the kitchen for a box of Kleenex, and when he returned to Bella's side, he noted how anxious she seemed to be again. Handing her the tissue, he took a deep breath and started from the beginning.

"You know about everything that happened in college…about the lie…" she nodded with sad eyes but didn't say anything.

He didn't know how to tell her about Erin. How to explain how he'd ended up letting her in his life again? He didn't even understand it fully himself. It hit him in this moment that the reasons he'd continued to befriend Erin over the years no longer applied.

In the past he'd felt sorry for her. Like him, she'd gone through some hard times and lost the love of her life. He'd convinced himself that the past was the past, because somewhere inside of himself, he felt he carried just as much blame as Erin did. But the truth of the matter was that she had concocted that lie herself. She'd executed and waited an entire _month_ before deciding to use it too…

Yes. Erin _was_ indeed the bad guy. That face wouldn't change, no matter how many years passed.

He could see _now_ how having her in his life had been a bad move, but why hadn't he realized it sooner? Suddenly the reality of what had happened between he and Bella didn't feel like it had been all that long ago, and he couldn't understand how he found himself in the middle of this ridiculous triangle when he wasn't even _torn_ between the two women.

He knew with everything in his life that he would choose Bella. He would _always_ choose her.

Bella sniffled then and it pulled him back into the present, into the moment he and she had been forced into because of the lie that Erin had told. And he had so carelessly let her back into his life. If he had been Bella, he'd have felt betrayed too.

"I'm so sorry" Even as he said the words he knew they would never be enough. Yes she'd hurt him, yes they'd had their problems, but Bella had walked in to their _home_ and saw him in bed with another woman. Nothing Bella had ever done could compare to that. She met his gaze and then suddenly, she was crying again.

"_Please_ just tell me what's going on! Tell me if you're sorry you're _here_ or if you're sorry about _her!_ I don't know what's going on…"

She was pleading now, her voice not even disguising the anguish she was feeling in this moment, and it tore at his heart.

"You don't know what it's like! The pain I feel when I have to see and hear her…when I sit in my office and listen to her giggle at whatever joke you're telling her over lunches! The way my stomach turns when I go _home_ and see her picking up your mail and chatting with the door man…I _hate_ her! Every time I see her, all I see is her lying in our bed with you…" her voice lost the volume and fell into a whisper, "See her weeping with joy that she was going to have your baby…"

He ran a hand over his face as everything she said sank in. His feelings for her had become clearer to him, just as hers had reached a boiling point with him. He wanted to tell her how incredibly sorry he was that she had to go through this, how he hated himself for ever bringing Erin into their lives, but he couldn't find the words that would even begin to set him free.

"She walked right over me and pulled you with her, and it's like you never even looked back to see how I fared," she said, her voice cracking at the end, making regret cut at him. "I can't compete with her can I?"

"No, Bella, It's not like that—"

She pulled away from him and made her way down the hall to what he could only imagine was her room. He stood immediately to follow her, nervous that if he'd left her alone to think for too long, then she would never let him make things right.

He was in her doorway just as she sank into her bed. The sight of her in this much pain making him feel like he'd betrayed her all over again.

He made his way to her, each step was slow and precise, as if he were approaching a wild animal and afraid it would flee. He settled down beside her, gently stroking her back and hair until he could find the words he needed to say.

As he did his best to comfort her, he watched the way her fragile body shook with each tear. It brought him back to the memory of when she'd cried in his arms at the park after seeing him and Erin in bed together. That thought alone had him pulling her into his arms tightly and squeezing her to him securely as if doing so would keep her from hurting.

With her tightly in his arms and her face cuddled softly into his neck he told her what was in his heart. "Bella…love…I don't know what to do to make things right. I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am that you've had to endure four years of thinking I had a baby…of having to see Erin again…"

She began to shake harder in his arms and in turn, he held her more securely. When she buried her fingers into his hair, his chest suddenly felt too small for his heart.

"I've never stopped loving you, Bella. Not even for a moment." Suddenly everything he needed to say didn't feel so lost anymore. The words she needed to hear were flowing like water from his lips now, "I was thinking of you every day…seeing your face in my mind." He paused only to kiss her tenderly on each cheek, his body disconnecting from his mind, seeming to be unaware of the enormity in this moment.

"I won't do anything you don't want me to do…just tell me what you need from me. Tell me what I can do to make you happy, love."

He barely heard her whisper, "Don't go. Don't leave me again."

He didn't hesitate to tell her, "okay."


	9. Chapter 10

The next morning Edward lay beside her, sleep barely shaken off. He was the most content he'd been in over four years. Though he'd often slept in the same bed as Bella for three years of their relationship, there was something utterly fulfilling about recapturing this feeling of connection again. He realized in the moments that he'd woken that even after all this time, she still felt like the best thing in the world against his body.

She continued sleeping peacefully in his arms as he took in her sleeping features and smoothed back her hair. He couldn't seem to drink in her beauty fast enough, but he calmed himself with the knowledge that this wasn't the end, this was now their beginning. With that thought in mind, the night before came back to him in little waves. He knew that though they were both naked, they hadn't slept together—_a feat in itself—_but had instead undressed one another and settled in under the covers.

All night he'd squeezed her to him, he couldn't seem to stop himself. In the years that had followed their break-up, he'd had his share of one night stands and even the occasional relationship of convenience, but in all that time, he'd never spent the entire night with any of those women. As he kissed Bella's neck and felt her snuggle into him, he recalled just how much he liked this, though he had to admit, it was because _she_ was the one he was sharing this with. It somehow felt right that he'd never shared that experience with another...made this feel that much more right.

Before they'd fallen asleep, he recalled asking her about her life before her arrival. She in turn had asked a fair share of questions as well, but for the most part, they were both utterly content to just appreciate the fact that they were together. The motto of the evening seemed to boil down to one word…_tomorrow._

When Bella woke, she was in Edwards arms, her face tucked against his chest, and his fingers gently sifting through her hair. The familiarity of this position had her grinning like a Cheshire cat as she snuggled closer and felt his fingers trail down her sides. She didn't bother trying to stop herself from flexing and stretching into the touch.

"Did you sleep well?" his rumbling voice asked her. Having slept well was at the very least of what made her content right now. It was hard to feel anything but content and protected, especially when he held her against his chest, warm in the circle of his muscular arms, murmuring about how soft and perfect she felt to him.

Now that the nights frenzy had passed, she felt an overwhelming joy that he'd stayed with her, as if she'd been waiting all these years for the accumulation of the nights work.

She nodded her yes to him and turned on her back to stretch. The sheets where she turned to felt cool against her warm body and it reminded her that she'd slept curled into him all evening…apparently she hadn't tossed and turned. As if her eyes couldn't stray for a second longer, she turned back to stare up at his face again. She felt connected to him once more; as if the last four years hadn't been a reality and they had never once had a fight about Jacob.

Contentment washed through her, and she wanted to weep with relief that he had heard her out and still wanted her. She found that she couldn't stop touching him, as if she feared this was a dream she would wake from or that he would disappear. As she took in everything about him, she wondered how she could possibly have acted cruelty toward him.

She recalled that she'd been angry with him and had left him four years before, but now in hindsight she felt quite silly about all that. She could never stay angry with a man who was looking at her like he was.

He stared at her as though she was his own personal miracle.

Though neither was anxious to move, the rumble of their stomachs reminded them both that they had other needs that needed tending to, and even though they were forced to rise from bed, neither one was able to stay away from each other.

They dressed and moved in synchronization, each one keeping a close eye on the other, as if they would get a feeling of what the other was thinking. In the kitchen, they once again moved in companionable silence, each working at preparing the small but filling breakfast they shared at the coffee table instead of the nook.

Edward found himself inching closer to her side, the mere three inches of space between their hands making him nervous and feeling as if she were going to bolt from him at the earliest opportunity.

But the truth of the matter was that Bella wanted no such thing. She hadn't lied last night when she said she didn't wish him to part from her, and for the first time in her life, she was sure about what it was she wanted out of life. Edward.

A few bites into their breakfast, she decided it was time to make the statement a reality. Bella finished the bite she'd been working on and when sure of the words she wanted to say, squared her shoulders and gently reached for his hand.

As she met his eyes she noted that he seemed to be holding his breath. Wanting to end his fear immediately, she leaned forward and kissed him briefly yet determinedly. Before he was able to recover she started talking.

"I really hope you aren't feeling apprehensive about anything…I meant it when I told you I want you. I do."

She watched his Adams apple bob, but he did start breathing again. When a few seconds had passed and he still hadn't said anything, the sinking feeling she'd fought off the night before was back with a vengeance and now it was _her_ who stopped breathing.

The second he took in her devastated frame he _made_ himself start talking. "Of course I want you too, Bella. I'm not rethinking anything! I want you, all of you…always!" He pulled her into his body and rubbed at her arms and dropped kisses to her cheek in an effort to comfort her and calm her nerves.

He knew how much unspoken tension was still between them this morning and he'd been trying so hard not to spook her. It was everything he had not to take her fully this morning with her soft, warm and beautiful in his arms. He'd _made_ himself behave…had been chanting words of encouragement to himself to keep from pulling her down on the nearest surface and claiming her for his own. He could see _now_ just how mixed she could have taken that message.

"Bella, I was just trying to keep things calm until I knew for sure that you weren't regretting anything."

Still a little embarrassed, she tucked her face tighter into the crook of his shoulder and neck while she tried to find the words to respond. Edward didn't bother waiting for that moment and instead pulled her fully into his lap and kissed her properly. She responded in kind and it had his body taught with need.

When she began to pull him closer and move suggestively over his lap, he did the one thing he didn't ever think he would have the strength to do. _He _pulled away from _her._

"Is this real?" he asked against her lips. He wanted this so badly he didn't trust his own intuition to gauge it on. For over four years he thought of this moment, couldn't recall a single time in his life where the idea of loss was so unbearable. It had been devastating when he'd lost her before…but if he lost her now, it would be something he could never come back from.

He wanted her so badly, but he knew the tighter he tried to hold on to her, the quicker she would slip through his fingers. He was determined to do things right this time, he would be patient, understanding and above all, trusting. He refused to lose her this time over silly pride.

When she looked down into his eyes and smiled—_his smile_—he knew that this was indeed true. They were together again, and for the first time in four years, he felt like he could truly breathe.

Now that they had cleared the air, both seemed to be walking with a lighter step and smiling with an unhindered happiness. He couldn't seem to stop pulling her in for kisses, and in turn, she couldn't keep herself from making herself available for such.

Suddenly all the reasons they hadn't worked before no longer made sense. Perhaps it was time to grow up that they had needed, but Edward truly believed that now no one was competing for the others attention, they were able to focus solely on one another…and that was all there was to it.

Sometime around later afternoon, when they had been fed, showered and content with their day, Edward's cell phone rang. It was the first real interruption during their time together, and the sound of the ring brought on the reality of life outside of their own little bubble.

Bella watched as he rose to get the call, took note of the grim set in his lips that reminded her of how he used to look when sad or retaining his anger. Before he picked up, she noted the frown on his face as he glanced at the screen, followed immediately with chagrin as if he'd made a mistake and it was too late to rectify it.

"Hey mom" _ah hell he was probably going home when I stopped him._ Feeling her own chagrin, Bella hastily got up and went to the other room so he could have some privacy, but also so she could get her thoughts straight.

She wondered if they knew she was here, if they knew she worked with him, lived in the same building…and whether he told them she was yoking him around again like a yoyo. Selfishly, she hoped they hadn't heard of how ridiculous she'd been acting, but realistically she knew it was nothing less than what she deserved if they did.

His mother had at one point loved Bella; she'd told her this often. But somewhere in the Jacob, Edward Saga, that love had turned to frustration, then that frustration turned to contempt. She still remembered the first time she realized that her status with the Cullen's had changed, it was when she had chosen Jacob over Edwards 21st birthday party and he'd moved out. A few days later Bella had seen Esme and Alice at the bookstore and shyly waved as in hello; Esme met her eyes, looked her up and down and turned as if she'd just seen a hideous sight. She hadn't even bothered to hide the look of disgust she obviously felt for her.

Though she'd known she earned it, it had still hurt her greatly to face that reality. Any time after that, if she saw a Cullen, Bella would damn near sprint to get out of whatever situation had brought them in the same vicinity. And when she and Edward had gotten back together after that, no one made any effort to make her feel comfortable, but instead regarded her as someone to tolerate, not someone to embrace.

poked his head around.

"Hey" she could see he was studying her face, could tell he was trying to read her expression. She tried to smile as best she could, but when she saw his worry brow, she knew he hadn't been fooled. "What's the matter?"

He was already beside her and pulling her into his lap as he breathed her in deeply and nuzzled her ear in what she guessed was his way of trying to soothe her. _It was working._

"I wanted to give you some privacy while you spoke with Esme." She tried to ignore the pang she felt when she'd said his mother's name, but it was no use, it was painful to know that Esme didn't like her. Bella hated being hated.

Edward must have sensed the route of her thoughts, because he gently lifted her face to kiss her softly and gently sweep the hair from her face.

"You didn't have to leave," he kissed her nose softly "I forgot to call her last night before we went to bed. She went to meet my flight and found that I hadn't arrived." Bella was trying so hard not to stiffen or flinch, but she failed and had done both.

"What is it?" She wanted to answer him. Truly she did. But she didn't know how to be honest and not sound sour for reasons other than her pride. She chanced a glance to Edward and when she saw he wouldn't be moved from this question, she sucked it up and told him the truth.

"Do they know you're with me?" Was it just her or had she sounded like a scared child when she'd said it? She felt his lips at her neck and the smell of his minty shampoo that made her want to melt, and against her minds wishes, she felt herself relax.

She felt his nod but his lips were too busy trailing from her jaw to her collar bone in circuits to vocally respond. She was torn, half of her wanting him to continue, the other half wanting him to elaborate. He made one final circuit before she heard him breathe deeply and sigh, the sound dragging her back to a much bleaker reality than what she was just experiencing.

"They're not happy about that fact are they?" she asked forlorn. Not that she blamed them, she had in fact caused Edward a great deal of grief in the last year of their relationship, but she too had been through hell and back with him.

"It's not that, love. It just that…well…my mom has always been the protective type. She just said she wants to make sure were doing the right thing."

"_Were_?" She couldn't help but ask the question aloud. It made sense that Esme would question Edward, but outside of wanting to know Bella's specifics for a voodoo doll, she couldn't imagine that Esme would even care what happened to her.

"Yes. _We._" He laughed and pulled her down to lie beside him on the bed as he took her hand and traced her palm lines with serious concentration. "When you left…after everything that happened with Erin, my mom felt horrible."

Bella sat completely still as he tried to get the words out, but her mind was screaming a thousand questions all at the same time.

"Mom said she knew she'd been less than…kind to you. Said she wasn't proud of the way she'd acted, but that in spite of everything, she still wanted you to be happy. Mom told me that sometimes fate has a cruel way of setting things in motion, and that if I couldn't find you, then maybe I wasn't meant to."

It sounded like something Esme would say, and in all fairness, it was true. Bella herself had thought the same thing as she'd ridden the train to her first getaway when they'd broken up. She remembered feeling like something bigger was at work, like she'd been nothing more than a pawn in the game of life and her rook had just been taken out.

"Right now I told her that I was with you and that we were trying to spend some time together, to figure out our next move."

"What do you mean?" She'd assumed that everything worth settling had been settled. She wanted him, end of story. But perhaps things in his head weren't so final.

"Bella!" he half laughed. "I don't have a job…"

"Oh!" The previous day came back to her in a rush. His empty office, the flowers, his letter at the front desk for her… "Well what were you going to do? I mean if I _hadn't_ stopped you last night."

He didn't say anything for a long moment, but then with a serious gaze he held her face and told her. "I was going to go home for a while actually. I was going to try and start a life there…near my family."

In an instant her heart sank. Was she selfish to ask him not to? Was she a horrible person because she wanted him to choose _her?_ Yes. She was.

"You were going to go work for your mother weren't you?"

He nodded but said nothing else.

It had been the plan actually…had been _both_ their plan. In the evenings at their little apartment, Bella and Edward would cuddle closely and lay in each other's arms and talk of their future. He'd wanted to start a family, preferably when he'd graduated and had purchased their first home. Edward had planned to work for his mother, expected to make a decent salary and be able to pay for an engagement ring all within a year of getting his degree.

Shortly after, Bella would announce to him the arrival of their first child. They'd be ecstatic, his family would dote, and Bella would work for a bit if she felt the need, but for the most part, she would focus of bringing their family forth.

It wasn't only his dream…it was Bella's as well. In the last four years she often thought back to that plan of theirs, often times when someone would remark about how they envied her single life, work and career oriented work ethic. Kate had once giggled as she made the joke that saying even the _word_ marriage in front of Bella would cause her to hyperventilate.

But the truth was that Bella had wanted it. She'd wanted all of it…

He knew instinctively that if there was ever going to be an opportune moment to bring this up, then now was the time.

"Bella, love…I think we need to decide what happens next. I know what I want with you, and you say you want me too, but we need to pin down exactly what that means.

She nodded with a worried smile but made herself chuckle as she stood. "I'll get the wine."

As he watched her walk toward the kitchen, his heart squeezed and his breathing came deeper. It was now or never.


End file.
